Expectations... Are a dangerous thing.

My sweet little five year old randomly said to me very seriously the other day, "Mommy, you know a lie is a very dangerous thing!" I smiled at the cuteness and sweetness that surrounded her honesty, but also stood astonished at how deep she understands some things that I never would have dreamt she would at such a young age.

Judging off her declaration, I can assume that my husband and I have done a pretty sufficient job at teaching her the importance of telling the truth and the dangers of lies. However, lies are not the only dangerous things.

Expectations are also very dangerous things. Expectations are things that our parents didn't teach us much about. Expectations are dangerous to women as mothers and as wives.

People ask me all the time how life is with three kids and if it is hard or not. Honestly, I don't consider life with three kids hard at all and that is always my answer, but perhaps it is because life with three kids is exactly what I expected it to be... Busy. I never expected it to be a cake walk nor did I expect to get to nap every day or sit on the couch all day doing whatever. I never expected to not have to clean or do laundry, but rather quite the contrary. Too often I run into other moms who seem unhappy and overwhelmed with their life with kids and describe themselves as just trying to survive. I have to wonder what they expected their life to be like and if this is why they are feeling the way they are feeling.

Do not get me wrong... I too have been guilty of unrealistic expectations, just not so much in the area of my kids, but rather in my relationship with my husband. Raising kids has always come pretty naturally and beautifully to me and seemingly as low stress as possible. Being the best wife I can be and not getting stressed because of unmet expectations there, is my real battle and my vulnerable one at that. This past year and a half has been particularly trying because my husband has been finishing up his college degree online. He wanted this so badly and I knew it would make him feel so grand to have accomplished it finally, but school is just simply not his niche and he didn't want it to drag out forever. I assured him that he could take a full load every semester, so he could get done in a year and a half ish and I would help him whenever he needed it. I was expecting this to be the occasional test or paper, but little did I know this would be a weekly, multiple assignments thing. This over time caused me to discreetly build up much resentment towards my husband. I knew all along that he was not the same as me when it came to school and couldn't cram as much into a week as I could because he simply was not wired that way. He could remodel a house from the ground up and save our family thousands of dollars over the year on DIY home improvements, but school was simply not his strong suit. How come I had always known this, yet was upset with him for it? Expectations. It's like I magically thought he would get better at it this time around, therefore I begrudgingly helped him with school work because I did not really want to have to be helping him this much. But was this his fault or my fault? This has been an area I have been struggling with in direct regards to expectations. I am trying to identify when a problem is the result of unreasonable expectations and when the problem is really a problem.

Example, if I'm helping my husband do his homework the night it is due because he waited until the last moment to start working on it, that is a real problem and something he should have done differently and therefore something I could rightfully be upset about.

Example, if my husband has six things due one week and I am having to help him with half of them because he can not realistically take it all on by himself, that is something I need to accept because getting upset about it would be the result of unrealistic expectations that I had for him long ago.

Recognizing the difference in these scenarios is the key to a happy life. Whether your expectations struggle lie with motherhood or with marriage or something else, it is so crucial to identify them early on and work through it rather than to let it go on and linger for an indefinite amount of time.

Proverbs 31:11-12, The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:15, 27, She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

The greatest job...

I feel as though I have accomplished a lot in my young life. I was the youngest freshman in my dorm at Liberty University, starting my college career at just 17. I was one of the youngest graduates of my college class in 2010... Graduating with my bachelor of science in psychology at the mere age of 20... And with a bouncing baby girl just shy of a year old at that. I worked full time while finishing school and mothering my sweet girl, but I never thought of it as "hard" in those moments. Looking back, I realize how much I had going on and how hard and demanding my schedule was, but it is strange that in those moments, I did not view life as hard, but rather just how things had to be at that time. The thing about being through and accomplishing a lot in a short amount of time is you just get used to it and accept that things won't always be a breeze, but they will be worth it. This changes your mindset from that of a complainer to that of an endurer and a joy seeker. As cheesy as that may sound, when you know everything you are doing in your current position is going to yield astounding results once you get through the "busy, demanding, and maybe even hard" schedule, you are ready for those results and seeking that joy you know is at the end of the tunnel partnering with the light.

Shortly after my graduation, I got a new job and with that new job came more money. This was a breath of fresh air and I was so elated. I felt important. Again, I was the youngest person who worked for my company. Most others were late 20's, 30's, 40's, and even 50's. Here I was just 20. I broke records for amount of calls taken in an hour and the amount of cases closed per day. I was recognized at meetings. I truly felt important and recognized for my hard work. I was on my way to hopefully being in possession of a company car within the next six months as well. What a great position to be in.

Throughout all of these successes, I always longed for something else though... To be a stay at home mom. Yes, I had just worked my self to the ground to finish school with an infant in the house and working full time and for what? To get a job like this where I could truly grow within a great company and achieve great things? Or was it to just finish what I had started...something I had always been taught to do? I was realizing it was the latter and that although this was all great, I wanted to be at home where that action was. I wanted to be able to see all the amazing things my now 13/14 month old was now doing and not just hear about them at the end of the day.

November 2010... Just six months later, that dream came true. The next December (2011) I had my second born. I loved every second of it. Some moms may read this and think, "really? Every second?" The answer is honestly yes... Although of course when my now 5 year old daughter runs up the stairs to tell me that my now 2 year old son pee'd in the trash can while I am nursing my newest baby, my 4 month old, I may not "love" that second, but I love my life as a stay at home mom. I love the fulfillment it brings like no other job could ever do. I love watching my children grow and learn. I love watching them play and love each other.

Housework is honestly something I find fulfilling as well. I don't hate that part of being a stay at home mom. Perhaps, it was how I was raised and watching my Mam-ma so dedicatedly care for her home and she did so with such joy and perspective. It wasn't just a job or a burden by any means, but rather a way to further make your house a home for your husband and your children, she would tell me. I have really taken this to heart. When I am doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping and mopping, I honestly feel proud and I know every day when my husband comes home, he will come home to a clean and inviting house. Dinner may already be made or I may have him hold the baby when he gets home and then make dinner, but one thing for certain is the house will always be clean and be full of love and feel like a home.

My husband does such a great job of taking care of the outside also. Just as I would wear the baby in a sling or a wrap while I do housework or cook, he will put the baby in the baby backpack while he pulls weeds or put our 2 year old on his shoulders while he blows the driveway off. It makes me so happy. I love that I have found a partner in life who truly views this life we have created just as I have. Kids don't get in the way of your obligations, but rather you incorporate them in with your duties, because that is how a family works. You do things together. By starting this at such a young age, they will grow up seeing the importance of housework and how it makes a house a home and will do it just as joyfully instead of the all too common begrudgingly way of doing things we see too often today in our generation.

This past Mother's Day was my first Mother's Day without my Mam-ma. As hard as it was and as much as I missed her, I tried to remind myself what kind of a mother she was and further perfect those things. She was truly the greatest mother and the greatest grandmother I have ever seen. Part of my tribute I spoke of at her funeral, I mentioned that she was a mother to far more than just her children. It is so true. She was called "mother"  and "mom" by so many. This is going to be my next major goal in my mothering career. I truly love being a mother and can honestly attest to that it is the greatest, most fulfilling job I have ever done and it just feels right. It feels as though this is what I was put on this earth to do... To be a mother and raise my children to glorify The Lord. I am seeing that part of my Mam-ma's ministry as a mother was also helping others in need of a mother figure as well.

Mothers... Do not take today for granted.... Do not let frustration and overwhelming tendencies ruin your day. As mothers we have a calling. Housework is part of it, but it doesn't have to be burdensome, it can be routine and enjoyable and bring fulfillment. Raising kids brings fulfillment also even in the less than favorable seconds.

Proverbs 31:28, "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her"

Excuse me now, while I go check on my 2 year old blowing bubbles in his water in the kitchen :-)

My One Word 2014

As we neared the New Year, I began to think about what my one word should be for 2014. I wanted it to be something really good, something that would truly make me a much better person throughout the year. I began seeking clarity from God on what this one thing should be. It was not long before I had my one word and knew without a doubt it was the most important thing I could work on this year.

My One Word for 2014 is Rid.

Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be praise, think on these things."

I want to rid myself, my life, my thoughts, my words, and my actions of anything negative, unholy, or not pure. This means no negative talk, no negative thoughts, no negative anything! If I am sensing myself getting frustrated with someone and just simply thinking negative things alone in my home, I immediately stop what I am doing and begin to pray that God will rid my mind of these thoughts and help my to focus on something more positive today. ....And you know what? I can proudly say it is working! My Mam-ma used to always tell me that most people's problem is they won't ask God for help because they think it is either something too small or too unimportant that it would be silly to ask God for help with it, when in all reality, we should be asking God for help with anything and everything. She used to really emphasize to me also how we should pray specifically for what we need. Don't be vague with God! He is our Rock and anything we do will be easier and smoother with His help and guidance. It is amazing to me how easy it is to rid myself of all things negative when I just simply stop what I am doing and ask Him for help.

Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

I hope you will join me on this journey this New Year with whatever your One Word may be as well. May we all be able to encourage one another in bettering ourself through Him.

Welcome Baby Gavin Michael, My Christmas Blessing!

This Christmas Day was by far the most special Christmas Day to date for me and my family... It is the day we welcomed Baby Gavin, our third child, into the world!

Gavin Michael born at 3:43pm 12/25/13 5 lbs 7 oz 19.5 inches long

Born at 35 weeks 3 days gestation... very healthy, no NICU needed! Praise The Lord!

I woke up Christmas morning and just knew I was going to have Gavin that day. I had been feeling a lot of additional pressure than I had the prior weeks/days and knowing how to check myself, I decided I would go see if I was any additional dilated. While I only felt like I was roughly between a 4-5, my amniotic sac was hanging out of my cervix like a water balloon.

Even though my due date was January 26th, I had been dilated since 25 weeks and given steroids to help mature his lungs at 30.5 weeks. At my doctor appointment on Friday, December 20th, I was dilated to a 3 1/2 and 95% effaced. My doctor said he would likely come over the weekend, but if not, he gave me a week tops! Although I was a little nervous about not being full term yet, I just prayed that God would not let him come until he could come out safely with no NICU required. I guess Christmas Day was that day! This was very special to me as it truly symbolized God's love and grace to me- Gavin being born on Jesus' birthday and being perfectly healthy, despite being preterm. I am so thankful.

 This is me literally just two hours before I gave birth. We woke up Christmas morning and did "Santa" with our two children. After getting toys put away and everything cleaned up, we got ready and headed over to my in law's house for brunch with them and then gifts with them as well. It was funny because after we finished gifts, one of my sister in law's jokingly said, "okay, Gavin, thanks for letting us get through presents! You can come anytime now!" Within 20 minutes I began having contractions.

We got to the hospital at 2:15pm and I was already dilated to a 7 and the nurses confirmed my amniotic sac was indeed bulging! When I walked in and said I was in labor, they all looked at me funny like they didn't believe me... I assured them I was in labor and I have very fast labors, but I guess because I wasn't crying or very dramatic, they just didn't take me seriously! After checking me and realizing that I was indeed in labor and very far along, one nurse yelled out to the others in the hallway, "Call the doctor! She really is in labor and her bag of waters is bulging!" My husband and I got a little chuckle out of this. (This is the second time my labor has been doubted. With my 2 year old son, it was a very similar scenario. I had him at 36 1/2 weeks and was already an 8 when I got there, but no one believed I was in labor until they finally checked me.)

They quickly moved me into a room where I waited with my husband on the doctor. I was not able to get any pain medicine because I was already so far along (this was also the second time that has happened to me). The doctor walked in and checked me and said, "Well, I am going to break your water and we are going to have a baby! You are a 10 and 100% effaced! This picture was taken seconds after she said that by my husband. I was very nervous, despite how calm I look in the picture!

Gavin was born just an hour and a half after arriving at the hospital.

This is my husband with Gavin that night.

This was Gavin that night after getting a bath.

Big Sister holding Gavin the next morning! She is such a great big sister!

This is me with all three of my babies the next day! Gavin was nursing. (He nurses like a champ!)

This is Gavin 3 days old.

Gavin 4 days old!

Thank you to everyone that prayed for Gavin throughout my pregnancy! I am seriously ever so thankful that he is here and healthy. He is another reminder to me of God's grace and faithfulness. After a hard end of the year dealing with the loss of my Mam-ma, he was the ever so sweet reminder that God is faithful throughout everything in this life if we put our faith and trust in Him. 

Job 1:21 says, "And said, naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: The Lord gave and The Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of The Lord."

1 Samuel 1:27 says, "For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of Him."

Baby (diaper) Shower for Gavin

This Saturday we had a wonderful diaper shower for Baby Gavin, thrown by my mother-in-law. We got lots of diapers, particularly size 1 (I am pretty sure I literally will not need to buy ANY size 1's!), and we literally will not have to buy wipes ever again until our NEXT child. Seriously. I can honestly and confidently say that! Even with my almost two year old, Mason, still being in diapers, we will have enough wipes to last until he is potty trained AND to last until Gavin is potty trained. It was such a good feeling having a hard time finding a place to put it all when we got home!

I ended up organizing the diapers fairly well, but had to put two huge boxes of wipe refills in the attic to use whenever the time comes. (Yes, we still had more boxes of wipes that I did find a place for in their room/closet!) I finally feel like everything is ready for Gavin and not much else needs to be done!

I am 33 weeks and 1 day and at my doctor appointment last Thursday (32 weeks and 4 days), I was still dilated to a 2, but was now 70% effaced (the last appointment I was 50% effaced). I am so thankful that they decided to give me the steroid shots at 30 1/2 weeks. Now at least I can rest easily knowing that if he comes a little bit earlier than Mason did (Mason came at 36 weeks 5 days), that it all should be okay and he should not need to go to the NICU. That is such a relieving feeling!

I go again to the doctor on Friday, December 20th, and I will then be 34 weeks and 5 days. I have a feeling that will be my last doctor appointment or second to last one before delivering. (My next appointment would be the next week, as I would be moving to weekly appointments, and it would be the day or two days after Christmas!)

I am excited for Gavin to be here, but do want him to stay in until at least 35 weeks! We will see what he decides to do though :)

Here are some pictures from our shower!

Cupcakes from a wonderful little bakery... Maxie B's!

My sweet little Mason playing with the stick horse that was one of the decorations :)

My sweet husband and I

Diaper cake! (The shower was cowboy themed)

My sweet girl Savannah was running around downstairs playing with a friend of her's that was there throughout most of the shower, and I just realized there were no pictures of her!! :(

Here is a picture my husband captured two days before the shower of me with both of my sweet babies...

Savannah, Mommy, and Mason!

We all can't wait for Gavin to join the mix and the fun :)

Morning Scripture Reading

Happy is the man that feareth alway: but he that hardeneth his heart shall fall into mischief. (Proverbs 28:14 KJV)

While reading my Bible this morning (I am currently finishing up the book of Proverbs), I came across this verse. It spoke volumes to me. You may read it and think, "oh I don't have a hard heart", thinking it's meaning having a hardened heart towards God. However, in context, it is actually referring to hardening your heart against people or even certain people.

It spoke to me, because I have a tendency to get so annoyed with a particular person or a couple of people over time that I begin to just think badly of everything they do or say. I know this is not right and is letting the devil get in my thoughts and lead me down that negative path. I never would have considered myself as having my heart hardened toward them necessarily though; that is, until I came across this piece of Scripture.

I know that for these select people in my life, I am going to have to daily fight this battle and make a conscious effort to not let my mind think negatively towards them. I need to distance myself from them the majority of the time and when our paths do inevitably meet for select circumstances, I need to be as cordial and loving as ever. Matthew also has a specific piece of Scripture pertaining to this that my Mam-ma used to remind me of.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? (Matthew 5:44-46 KJV)

She used to refer to it as, "loving the lovely" and "loving the unlovely". Anyone can love the lovely; that is easy. This doesn't just mean literally, the lovely. It means anyone who is like you or favorable to you or lovely to you. However, it is not so easy to love the unlovely or those who are unlovely to you. I have always struggled with this. 

While I can easily love the outcast at church or in school, back when I was in school, and I can easily befriend the person that seemingly has little to no friends, I have a hard time showing Christ's love to someone who I'm around a lot, just simply because of these traits about them that overwhelm me or annoy me. 

As I mentioned yesterday, I began my drive home with my family yesterday with a mindset to be different and to be like my Mam-ma was and would have wanted me to be, to be like Jesus. I know I am imperfect and flawed, but I also know that with His love and guidance, it is possible. So here we are on December 2nd, 2013, and I am making a commitment to love the unlovely people in my life, no matter how difficult it may be at times.

Heading back to resume "normal" life/December: the start of something new

We left my Papa's house this morning about 3 am to head back to North Carolina. It was very bittersweet for so many reasons... Although it is always nice to get back home and sleep in your own bed along with getting back to your normal routine, Texas is my home and that is where all my family is. I love being anywhere in Texas, but I especially love being there at my Mam-ma and Papa's house. No place feels more like home. Now with Mam-ma being gone also, I really am glad I can be there for Papa and help fill some of the loneliness that he is obviously feeling. Although he is doing very well all things considered, I still (understandably) watched him get pretty emotional several times throughout the week, particularly the last couple days before we left. I just hated leaving him and so wish I did not have to.

Here is a picture of Papa spoon feeding Mason (my sweet almost 2 year old (he'll be 2 in just 13 days)) some coffee... It was just so sweet.

When we left, he asked me when we would be back. I told him sometime after Baby Gavin was born (I'm 32 weeks today), we would be back for everyone to meet him. He said, "well you let me know as soon as you know when y'all are coming and I will have everything ready for y'all!" It just made me so sad and homesick for my home there already, and I hadn't even gotten in the car yet. I just love my Papa.

This trip was very weird without Mam-ma there, but I know she was in Heaven smiling down on us all. Zach and I were talking about just last night while lying in bed about how it's so different with her as opposed to anyone else in either one of our lives who has passed away before, because there really is no doubt in anyone's minds where she is. Every single one of us knows she's in Heaven and therefore it almost feels like she's not even gone, because we know we'll get to see her again. It doesn't make missing her any less prominent though. I miss her everyday.

Savannah (my sweet 4 1/2 year old) got to go to her cousin Ryleigh's birthday party yesterday. I am so glad they planned the party for while we were still in town! It was at Sweet & Sassy and all of the girls truly had a blast! Savannah just was on cloud 9 the entire time! It was so fun to watch her get pampered and dress up like a princess!

Here are some pictures from the party...

I just love my little girl! She is so much fun and is a huge blessing!

I know when we get back home, we will settle back into our routine just fine... My daughter will resume preschool tomorrow morning and my son will resume Mother's Day Out. I will resume housework and my husband will resume work. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday that I am looking forward to as I am already currently dilated to a 2 and over 50% effaced with my baby being completely dropped. I am so very thankful for the time we had together away from the normal chaos of life though. I will miss the uninterrupted time we all had together while seemingly being in another world for the week.

Here is one last picture of my husband and daughter while we were out to breakfast with my Papa yesterday....

As Christians, we should be thankful every day, not just Thanksgiving or the month of November. That is something Brother Jim loudly pointed out at church Wednesday night. I for one and am going to make a conscious effort to be thankful for all of these blessings in my life and for The Lord who blessed me with them, most importantly. This is the kind of life my Mam-ma led and it's the kind of life we all should be striving to lead as well.

May December mark a new beginning for us all... A time to be renewed and find a newfound purpose!