The Things I Have Learned... // Real Life Real Talk

As I sit here pondering the whirlwind my life has been since college, getting married, having kids, about to have more kids, and so on... I can't help but reflect on the things I have learned and the core concepts and truths that present themselves in every day life. I can't help but notice that recognizing these truths help life make more sense, help things that happen that perhaps shouldn't or aren't pretty, be less shocking and easier to accept, though maybe not acceptable. Knowing these truths make life easier to cope with at times while at times, it just helps make sense of it, but not much else. I feel like there are many who go through life never recognizing such concepts and truths and this is why life always takes them off guard, upsets them a little too much, why they feel out of control and helpless, among other emotions and things.

1. Blood IS thicker than water. This is something my dad used to always tell me growing up. I knew it to be true, but my mom and I would always laugh at him when he would say it, because it was usually said surrounding a negative circumstance. My dad, though he calls himself a Realist, often times can across as a Pessimist. I being the eternal Optimist, always gave my dad a hard time about such comments and phrases. However, it is nonetheless a core truth and a truth that should be known for more reasons than one. Knowing this makes things sting a little less, make a little more sense, and makes certain things that happen take you a little less off guard, or more or less makes them a little more predictable.

This is not to say that there will not be some AMAZING people in your life who are not blood, or are not family, because there certainly will be. This leads me to my next point...

2. Good people know and understand how to treat their family like friends and their friends like family. Family is irreplaceable. You'll never have another family. It is so important to nurture a friendship with your family and a true friendship at that. Superficial family relationships are miserable and will not amount to much more. Treating your family like friends enhances the quality of life spent with them. Good friends are rare and also sometimes come along once in a lifetime. TREASURE them. Even if you don't see them as much as you like. Life IS busy and especially in the child bearing years. There will come a day when it is slightly less busy and scheduling time with these true friends is easier than it once was. Again, good and wise people understand the importance of treating these friends like family. I am eternally thankful for the few good friends I have made in this life.

3. It is EASY to complain and Joy is a choice. Complainers are DRAINERS. Don't spend time with those who complain every day on social media, who are quick to point out everything wrong in life, who every time you see them, something is wrong and life is bad. That is not to say that you cannot be real with one another. I am all about a couple good solid friends who you can vent to, confide in, and seek wise counsel from. However, doing this, does not involve social media, does not involve gossiping, etc. Seeking a good, wise friend's confidence and listening ear, is not gossiping. Picking up the phone and calling everyone you know or less dramatically, even a few people, and telling people's business with no intentions of getting advice or anything productive, but only to "tell", is NOT okay. Telling yourself it is okay is deceiving yourself. Again, we ALL need someone to vent to... about life, about mishaps, about hurtful people, about marriage, about kids, about family, whatever... emphasis on someone. Aside from venting and seeking wise counsel, keep things positive. It is SO important to find and see the good in life and promote that to others. Don't enable more complainers and drainers by being one yourself. Show others that despite having a crazy life, you can choose to find joy and talk about that joy. Joy is a choice. Happiness is fleeting and is an emotion. Joy is a choice.

4. "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life." This is something my Mamaw always tells me and I'll never forget the first time she said it to me. I had to stop and and really ponder her words. Genesis 2:24, "therefore a son shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be one flesh" and Matthew 19:5, "and said, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife: and they two shall be one flesh?" both came to my mind and I began to think more deeply about all the relationships (marriages) around me. I began to realize although how simple this phrase was that she quoted to me, how profound it was too. I began to think about how many people had never realized this or accepted this and how their lives were different because of it. It is natural for a son to leave the family he came from and start his own family. Not only is it natural, it is Biblical. Daughters do stay more involved with their families even after marriage. It truly changes the family dynamic when all the children get married, depending on the gender of the children. I look at how different parents with all adult boys who are married are compared to parents with adult girls and boys who are married or parents with all adult girls who are married. The parents with all boys seem to almost handle the life transition better than those with both genders. It's almost as if there is no other choice and so they adapt more gracefully. Those with both genders, it definitely seems to have greater effect, and likely because this concept has never fully been thought about and understood. I pray that I handle my boys getting married and starting their own families with grace. I am thankful for my daughter, but I also pray that she will also handle her brothers getting married and starting a family with that same grace. I pray she welcomes the sisters she will inherit with open arms and love. As for me as a sister, I look forward to the day my 3 sweet brothers get married and give me some nieces and nephews from them! I am so incredibly thankful for the one amazing sister that the Lord blessed me with and the closeness that we share, but I am also waiting in anticipation for the sisters the Lord will bring me when my brothers choose to marry! Sisters are sweet. Life is sweet too. The more we can share this life with, the better.

This also leads me to my next point...

5. We were not meant to do life alone. It is not good to do life alone. We were JUST talking about this in church last Sunday. Our pastor was saying how when people say to people going through a tragedy, "well you have God so that's all you need" or something more or less like it, how that is simply not true! If all we needed was God, He would never have created Eve to be with Adam. Genesis 2:18 says, " The Lord God said, 'it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'" God knew that we needed companionship. He knew we needed to do this life with people. The more fellowship we have, the happier we are. By fellowship, I mean good, life giving, life flowing, fellowship. I don't mean, the person who goes to the most parties will be the happiest, because that is not at all, life giving and life flowing fellowship. We need good, solid fellowship with other people who are trying to live this life the best they can, trying to find joy even in the mundane, trying to live life to the fullest. Find good people to do life with! If you're currently not making the most out of your relationships, change that now! It is never too late to change. It is never too late to start making things right. Relationships ALWAYS take two. Do your part and start living life with people.

6. People who talk a lot about giving grace, usually give it the least. It is easy to throw around the word "grace". It is easy to talk the talk and doing so cheapens grace. There is without a doubt a message of cheap grace floating around. I can remember a conversation with my Mam-ma about specific people once and I remember quoting to her something one of these people had said to me, "we are trying to show her grace." The situation was a mess and neither party was doing what they should or handling it as they should. Even the people that quoted that weren't handling things as they should. That was almost quoted as a scapegoat, in a way to not have to make a hard choice, to deal with the situation appropriately. My Mam-ma looked at me and said, "it is GOD who gives grace. We don't give grace. God gives grace. We should act under the grace that we have been given." This was such a moment of deep consideration and reflection for me. So many today floating around in the cheap grace movement would hear this and scoff and say, " we do to give grace!" Don't take this out of context. We are not the givers of grace, God Himself is. We should live a life evident of His grace on us and being given to us and if we do so, we will naturally treat others they way we should. In conclusion, spend less time talking about grace and more time living the message of grace. In my experience, those who talk about it the most, show it the least. Those who you rarely hear talk about it, do the best at living it out. It is a lifestyle and an attitude.

7. Parenting isn't easy, but it also isn't as hard as a lot of people make it. Think back, use your imagination if you have to, to a life without so much technology (at the very least without iPads and such), think back to times when the average American family had more than just 2.5 kids, to when there wasn't all the cool toys there are today and the average person didn't have the money to spend on them anyways. How did people do it? I don't think everyone was pulling their hair out and hating their life. For whatever reason (to be fair, there is multiple reasons), parents today make parenting out to be a lot harder than it is. Kids should be independent and play outside! Kids should find the beauty in their life, just as we should find the beauty in our lives! TV isn't bad, toys aren't bad. If you keep kids doing "kid stuff", life will be simpler, kids will be more content! The only times my kids play on an iPad is when my aunts, my mother in law, or someone else like that lets them play on it. And that is OKAY. It is actually a "treat" to them because of this. At home, they play with THEIR toys, they play outside, they play with each other, they do LOTS of drawing and coloring, they watch good, clean kid shows or kid movies... they honestly don't need much entertainment from me. I don't think "I have it all figured it out" or anything like that. I just think I was blessed and fortunate to spend A LOT of time around both of my grandmothers and all the countless weekends I spent at both of their houses with my cousins from both sides, I am able to look back and think of all the things we did to have fun. I look back and can't think of much time "we were in their hair". I think of how my Mam-ma would have 5 or more of us over at any given time and that was "normal". She never seemed stressed by it or anything of the sort. We had fun playing together and entertained ourselves. The biggest problem I see today with kids is that they simply don't know how to entertain themselves anymore (that is unless you throw an iPad at them). As parents we can fix this, but it's important to start when your kids are young. I have come to realize that the moms I encounter that complain the most about life with kids, haven't figured this out. The moms I encounter that complain the least about life with kids, have.

8. Life IS what you make of it. This sounds cliche, but I have learned over the past couple of years especially, just how true this is. It is your choice to keep negativity around in your life, whether that be in the form of people, circumstances, etc. This kind of goes back to #3- joy is a choice and you can choose to center your life around joy or you can choose to center it around negativity. There have been times in my life where I have been so discouraged and felt so defeated. This has been for different reasons at different times. When I lost my Mam-ma to a ruthless lung disease called Focal Pulmonary Fibrosis, it just so happened that my discouragement and defeat stemmed from living spiritually vicariously through her. When she was gone, I felt so empty. It was that moment that I realized that I needed my Savior. There have been other times in my life where circumstances or people have left me feeling discouraged or defeated, it is in those moments that I have to stop and make a conscious decision to "rid" (my one word from 2014) my life of these forms of negativity. Depending on who the people are, what the circumstances are, this can look different, but nonetheless, you always have the choice. Choose LIFE and choose to live life to the FULLEST. Life IS ALWAYS what YOU make of it.

9. Problems do not disappear on their own. Different personalities make up different people and some people like to live their live under the assumption that problems will disappear on their own, but this is simply not the case. Problems will always be problems until you deal with them. If you have a problem with someone, spend less time talking to others about it (unless it is seeking wise counsel, like we talked about in #3) and more time talking to the person you have the problem with. It is absolutely amazing the things you can fix with someone if you are just willing to talk to them honestly about how you are feeling and if they are willing to open up and talk to you too. When only one person is willing to talk, problems cannot be fixed. Don't be the reason a problem cannot be fixed. Be the reason it CAN be fixed. Be approachable. It is one of the best qualities you can have. The best people I have known and the people I look up to the most in this life, are the ones who are approachable. The best relationships I have, aren't ones void of all problems- they are the ones that we talk about our problems that arise in a timely manner. Don't live your life accepting problems and not liking the way things are with someone or with multiple people. TALK about them! FIX them! Anything can be fixed. It is so refreshing to just sit down and be real with someone. Don't worry about being uncomfortable or awkward, when two people are sitting down being real with one another and both are willing to air everything out with the end goal of resolution, it is not uncomfortable or awkward, it is refreshing! It's only awkward sitting down with someone who you know won't be real with you, won't open up to you, won't really hold resolution as their end goal no matter what the cost. You can't change others, but you can check yourself and be an inspiration for others to then do the same. If those people who have a mental block up about talking about things with the one they have the problem with, see others letting go and loosening up and talking things out with people, they are more likely to see the wisdom and health that comes from handling life this way and make that change too!

10. There are people who will not like you just because someone else doesn't like you. I can't tell you how many times I have met someone, only for a group of people to announce to me later that they don't like them because of something that person supposedly did to their friend, sister, etc. Judging someone's character and writing off someone's character is a serious thing. Don't do it on behalf of someone else's opinion of that person. Make your own decisions about people. Get to know people for yourself. Even if your very best friend doesn't like someone, decide for yourself. I cannot tell you how many people I am friends with and think are awesome people that someone in my family may not like, one of my other good friends may not like, etc. Get to know people yourself! Decide for yourself!

In conclusion...

It is harder to see the good in people sometimes and easier to see the bad, but choosing to see the good, makes YOU a better person and you will live a more fulfilled life because of it. Some of the hardest people to love and show love to, need it the most. Be kind, for your never know what someone else is going through. Your words of kindness can make a difference you never imagined in someone's day. However, be sincerely kind, as superficial kindness can do more harm than good. People can sense when you are being real with them, when you are truly being kind to them and reaching out to them. Don't do it out of obligation or superficially, but because you are really trying to be a better person and show kindness. It's a process for some of us, but a process worth starting.
Audrey Hepburn once said, "For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. For beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness, and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."

Expectations... Are a dangerous thing.

My sweet little five year old randomly said to me very seriously the other day, "Mommy, you know a lie is a very dangerous thing!" I smiled at the cuteness and sweetness that surrounded her honesty, but also stood astonished at how deep she understands some things that I never would have dreamt she would at such a young age.

Judging off her declaration, I can assume that my husband and I have done a pretty sufficient job at teaching her the importance of telling the truth and the dangers of lies. However, lies are not the only dangerous things.

Expectations are also very dangerous things. Expectations are things that our parents didn't teach us much about. Expectations are dangerous to women as mothers and as wives.

People ask me all the time how life is with three kids and if it is hard or not. Honestly, I don't consider life with three kids hard at all and that is always my answer, but perhaps it is because life with three kids is exactly what I expected it to be... Busy. I never expected it to be a cake walk nor did I expect to get to nap every day or sit on the couch all day doing whatever. I never expected to not have to clean or do laundry, but rather quite the contrary. Too often I run into other moms who seem unhappy and overwhelmed with their life with kids and describe themselves as just trying to survive. I have to wonder what they expected their life to be like and if this is why they are feeling the way they are feeling.

Do not get me wrong... I too have been guilty of unrealistic expectations, just not so much in the area of my kids, but rather in my relationship with my husband. Raising kids has always come pretty naturally and beautifully to me and seemingly as low stress as possible. Being the best wife I can be and not getting stressed because of unmet expectations there, is my real battle and my vulnerable one at that. This past year and a half has been particularly trying because my husband has been finishing up his college degree online. He wanted this so badly and I knew it would make him feel so grand to have accomplished it finally, but school is just simply not his niche and he didn't want it to drag out forever. I assured him that he could take a full load every semester, so he could get done in a year and a half ish and I would help him whenever he needed it. I was expecting this to be the occasional test or paper, but little did I know this would be a weekly, multiple assignments thing. This over time caused me to discreetly build up much resentment towards my husband. I knew all along that he was not the same as me when it came to school and couldn't cram as much into a week as I could because he simply was not wired that way. He could remodel a house from the ground up and save our family thousands of dollars over the year on DIY home improvements, but school was simply not his strong suit. How come I had always known this, yet was upset with him for it? Expectations. It's like I magically thought he would get better at it this time around, therefore I begrudgingly helped him with school work because I did not really want to have to be helping him this much. But was this his fault or my fault? This has been an area I have been struggling with in direct regards to expectations. I am trying to identify when a problem is the result of unreasonable expectations and when the problem is really a problem.

Example, if I'm helping my husband do his homework the night it is due because he waited until the last moment to start working on it, that is a real problem and something he should have done differently and therefore something I could rightfully be upset about.

Example, if my husband has six things due one week and I am having to help him with half of them because he can not realistically take it all on by himself, that is something I need to accept because getting upset about it would be the result of unrealistic expectations that I had for him long ago.

Recognizing the difference in these scenarios is the key to a happy life. Whether your expectations struggle lie with motherhood or with marriage or something else, it is so crucial to identify them early on and work through it rather than to let it go on and linger for an indefinite amount of time.

Proverbs 31:11-12, The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:15, 27, She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.