Expectations... Are a dangerous thing.

My sweet little five year old randomly said to me very seriously the other day, "Mommy, you know a lie is a very dangerous thing!" I smiled at the cuteness and sweetness that surrounded her honesty, but also stood astonished at how deep she understands some things that I never would have dreamt she would at such a young age.

Judging off her declaration, I can assume that my husband and I have done a pretty sufficient job at teaching her the importance of telling the truth and the dangers of lies. However, lies are not the only dangerous things.

Expectations are also very dangerous things. Expectations are things that our parents didn't teach us much about. Expectations are dangerous to women as mothers and as wives.

People ask me all the time how life is with three kids and if it is hard or not. Honestly, I don't consider life with three kids hard at all and that is always my answer, but perhaps it is because life with three kids is exactly what I expected it to be... Busy. I never expected it to be a cake walk nor did I expect to get to nap every day or sit on the couch all day doing whatever. I never expected to not have to clean or do laundry, but rather quite the contrary. Too often I run into other moms who seem unhappy and overwhelmed with their life with kids and describe themselves as just trying to survive. I have to wonder what they expected their life to be like and if this is why they are feeling the way they are feeling.

Do not get me wrong... I too have been guilty of unrealistic expectations, just not so much in the area of my kids, but rather in my relationship with my husband. Raising kids has always come pretty naturally and beautifully to me and seemingly as low stress as possible. Being the best wife I can be and not getting stressed because of unmet expectations there, is my real battle and my vulnerable one at that. This past year and a half has been particularly trying because my husband has been finishing up his college degree online. He wanted this so badly and I knew it would make him feel so grand to have accomplished it finally, but school is just simply not his niche and he didn't want it to drag out forever. I assured him that he could take a full load every semester, so he could get done in a year and a half ish and I would help him whenever he needed it. I was expecting this to be the occasional test or paper, but little did I know this would be a weekly, multiple assignments thing. This over time caused me to discreetly build up much resentment towards my husband. I knew all along that he was not the same as me when it came to school and couldn't cram as much into a week as I could because he simply was not wired that way. He could remodel a house from the ground up and save our family thousands of dollars over the year on DIY home improvements, but school was simply not his strong suit. How come I had always known this, yet was upset with him for it? Expectations. It's like I magically thought he would get better at it this time around, therefore I begrudgingly helped him with school work because I did not really want to have to be helping him this much. But was this his fault or my fault? This has been an area I have been struggling with in direct regards to expectations. I am trying to identify when a problem is the result of unreasonable expectations and when the problem is really a problem.

Example, if I'm helping my husband do his homework the night it is due because he waited until the last moment to start working on it, that is a real problem and something he should have done differently and therefore something I could rightfully be upset about.

Example, if my husband has six things due one week and I am having to help him with half of them because he can not realistically take it all on by himself, that is something I need to accept because getting upset about it would be the result of unrealistic expectations that I had for him long ago.

Recognizing the difference in these scenarios is the key to a happy life. Whether your expectations struggle lie with motherhood or with marriage or something else, it is so crucial to identify them early on and work through it rather than to let it go on and linger for an indefinite amount of time.

Proverbs 31:11-12, The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:15, 27, She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

The greatest job...

I feel as though I have accomplished a lot in my young life. I was the youngest freshman in my dorm at Liberty University, starting my college career at just 17. I was one of the youngest graduates of my college class in 2010... Graduating with my bachelor of science in psychology at the mere age of 20... And with a bouncing baby girl just shy of a year old at that. I worked full time while finishing school and mothering my sweet girl, but I never thought of it as "hard" in those moments. Looking back, I realize how much I had going on and how hard and demanding my schedule was, but it is strange that in those moments, I did not view life as hard, but rather just how things had to be at that time. The thing about being through and accomplishing a lot in a short amount of time is you just get used to it and accept that things won't always be a breeze, but they will be worth it. This changes your mindset from that of a complainer to that of an endurer and a joy seeker. As cheesy as that may sound, when you know everything you are doing in your current position is going to yield astounding results once you get through the "busy, demanding, and maybe even hard" schedule, you are ready for those results and seeking that joy you know is at the end of the tunnel partnering with the light.

Shortly after my graduation, I got a new job and with that new job came more money. This was a breath of fresh air and I was so elated. I felt important. Again, I was the youngest person who worked for my company. Most others were late 20's, 30's, 40's, and even 50's. Here I was just 20. I broke records for amount of calls taken in an hour and the amount of cases closed per day. I was recognized at meetings. I truly felt important and recognized for my hard work. I was on my way to hopefully being in possession of a company car within the next six months as well. What a great position to be in.

Throughout all of these successes, I always longed for something else though... To be a stay at home mom. Yes, I had just worked my self to the ground to finish school with an infant in the house and working full time and for what? To get a job like this where I could truly grow within a great company and achieve great things? Or was it to just finish what I had started...something I had always been taught to do? I was realizing it was the latter and that although this was all great, I wanted to be at home where that action was. I wanted to be able to see all the amazing things my now 13/14 month old was now doing and not just hear about them at the end of the day.

November 2010... Just six months later, that dream came true. The next December (2011) I had my second born. I loved every second of it. Some moms may read this and think, "really? Every second?" The answer is honestly yes... Although of course when my now 5 year old daughter runs up the stairs to tell me that my now 2 year old son pee'd in the trash can while I am nursing my newest baby, my 4 month old, I may not "love" that second, but I love my life as a stay at home mom. I love the fulfillment it brings like no other job could ever do. I love watching my children grow and learn. I love watching them play and love each other.

Housework is honestly something I find fulfilling as well. I don't hate that part of being a stay at home mom. Perhaps, it was how I was raised and watching my Mam-ma so dedicatedly care for her home and she did so with such joy and perspective. It wasn't just a job or a burden by any means, but rather a way to further make your house a home for your husband and your children, she would tell me. I have really taken this to heart. When I am doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping and mopping, I honestly feel proud and I know every day when my husband comes home, he will come home to a clean and inviting house. Dinner may already be made or I may have him hold the baby when he gets home and then make dinner, but one thing for certain is the house will always be clean and be full of love and feel like a home.

My husband does such a great job of taking care of the outside also. Just as I would wear the baby in a sling or a wrap while I do housework or cook, he will put the baby in the baby backpack while he pulls weeds or put our 2 year old on his shoulders while he blows the driveway off. It makes me so happy. I love that I have found a partner in life who truly views this life we have created just as I have. Kids don't get in the way of your obligations, but rather you incorporate them in with your duties, because that is how a family works. You do things together. By starting this at such a young age, they will grow up seeing the importance of housework and how it makes a house a home and will do it just as joyfully instead of the all too common begrudgingly way of doing things we see too often today in our generation.

This past Mother's Day was my first Mother's Day without my Mam-ma. As hard as it was and as much as I missed her, I tried to remind myself what kind of a mother she was and further perfect those things. She was truly the greatest mother and the greatest grandmother I have ever seen. Part of my tribute I spoke of at her funeral, I mentioned that she was a mother to far more than just her children. It is so true. She was called "mother"  and "mom" by so many. This is going to be my next major goal in my mothering career. I truly love being a mother and can honestly attest to that it is the greatest, most fulfilling job I have ever done and it just feels right. It feels as though this is what I was put on this earth to do... To be a mother and raise my children to glorify The Lord. I am seeing that part of my Mam-ma's ministry as a mother was also helping others in need of a mother figure as well.

Mothers... Do not take today for granted.... Do not let frustration and overwhelming tendencies ruin your day. As mothers we have a calling. Housework is part of it, but it doesn't have to be burdensome, it can be routine and enjoyable and bring fulfillment. Raising kids brings fulfillment also even in the less than favorable seconds.

Proverbs 31:28, "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her"

Excuse me now, while I go check on my 2 year old blowing bubbles in his water in the kitchen :-)

A typical day/cleaning and laundry schedule

Here is what my typical day looks like and what works very well for me:

My kids sleep in until anywhere from 8:30 am- 9:30 am (occasionally 10 or 10:30 am if they were up later the night before than usual) on any given morning that they do not have preschool. The mornings they have preschool, my husband drops them off at 8:15 am on the way to work and so he gets them up about 7:45 am and gets them ready quickly and feeds them breakfast and out the door they go (their preschool is literally less than five minutes from our house). So for the mornings they are home with me, they wake up between 8:30 am- 9:30 am and I feed them breakfast while I make my bagel and coffee. They do not eat a ton right away in the morning, so usually by the time by bagel and coffee is ready, they are already done. I then send them to their playroom for their morning alone playtime. I have done this with my 4 1/2 year old daughter since she was 18 months and with my 2 year old son since he was 15 months or so. It really is so valuable!

I cannot stress enough to moms who do not currently do this with their children to start doing it! Start out at 15/20 minutes that they HAVE to stay in their playroom or their bedroom and play independently and gradually work your way up to an hour or an hour and a half. If they are not used to it, yes, they will come out! This is normal and to be expected. So long as you stay consistent and keep sending them right back in there (if they continue to come out, then treat it as direct disobedience and punish as you would for any other form of direct disobedience), they will eventually get the point that they have to stay in there and play and they will do so.

So back to our morning routine…

I send them in their playroom to play (they usually play in there for an hour and a half or two hours), and I go sit down in the living room and drink my coffee and eat my bagel. This is my quiet time to do whatever. I often utilize this time to read my Bible or if there is an episode of something that I missed from the night before, I may watch it for free on abc.com, etc. Afterwards (kids are still playing in their playroom), I put my dishes in the dishwasher, make sure my kitchen is clean (clean countertops, sweep/mop floor), and then do any laundry that I need to do. If I am going to wash anyone's sheets that day, I go ahead and put those in, so they will be done in a timely manner (particularly by nap time if they are the kids'). If I have any clothes in the dryer from any laundry I did last night, I put those away at this time. I then go jump in the shower and get ready.

Right about now my 2 year old may be coming to check on me and see what I am doing. I redirect him to go play with his sister for a little longer and then I go see what I am going to make them for lunch. After lunch, I let them play together for a little longer or sit with me and read a few books, etc. and then I have them both go make sure the playroom is clean (I am very big on them picking up their own toys and they both have a toy organizer with the cubbies that they put all their toys away in. This ensures that they put things back where they go and do not just throw them all together somewhere with no rhyme or reason.), and then I send my daughter to her bed to lie down for a nap (occasionally I will let her lie on the couch in the playroom and watch a movie for quiet time if she does not appear tired to me) and I take my son to his room and lay him down in his bed (both of my kids sleep in their own queen sized beds in their own rooms and so they can obviously get in and out of bed and come in and out of their room by their own accord). My daughter knows she can come out of her room to go to the bathroom and that's it and my son knows not to come out and if he does, he gets one warning and after that, it is a spanking.

Now that the kids are both in their beds, I finish up anything else I need to do, whether it be switching laundry or running the vacuum in the living room (the living room is our only room in the house with carpet- the rest is all hardwood floors and so it all just gets swept and mopped). I then sit down and eat my own lunch if I did not already eat it with the kids and do anything small like pay bills, file away statements, etc. Now is the time that it is acceptable if I want to lie down for a little bit while the kids are still down. I usually have thought of what I want to do for dinner by now and if it is something that does not require any a head of time prep (spaghetti, cheesy BBQ pasta, alfredo tilapia, etc.), I do not have to worry about dinner until about 4 pm. If it something that does require a little extra prep then I may go ahead and get that out of the way before I lie down (boiling potatoes for mashed potatoes, boiling raw vegetables that I am going to put in a stew or soup of some sort, etc.)

If I am not just exhausted this day (pre pregnancy particularly I never really nap and the second trimester of pregnancy I am usually not too tired either), then I just take this time to go sit down and read my Bible if I have not yet already, watch anything I may have been wanting to watch, call my grandma or my sister, call and see how my husband's day is going, etc. Once again, after my obligations are met, this is some extra me time.

The kids usually wake up anywhere between 4 pm- 5 pm, depending on how tired they were. My husband gets home a little after 5. We try to eat right about the time he gets home or 15/20 minutes after. I begin cooking typically about 4 pm and if my kids wake up while I am right in the middle of a hands on part of my meal, I either give them a light snack (applesauce, yogurt, cheese stick, etc.) or send them with a drink to the playroom to play until Mommy gets done. I then, if I am at a part in the meal where I am not required to be right there in the kitchen, go check on laundry if necessary, and then go hang out with kids until my husband gets home. Once my husband gets home, we eat, and then have our own laid back evening routine as a family.

Some additional tips for cleaning and it not wearing you out:

Laundry: Do laundry every day! A load of darks one day, lights the next, towels the next, darks the next (there are usually way more darks in a week than there are lights!), your bed sheets the next day, etc. (I wash our sheets every week and the kids' sheets every 2 weeks. I also only wash towels once a week because my kids use their two towels all week, we just hang up after use, and my husband and I each have a towel that we use for 4-5 days each before putting in the laundry. If you think about it, you are all clean when you get out of the shower and use your towel, so as long as you hang it up to dry, there is no reason that you cannot use it for multiple days at a time!)
Another laundry tip… take care of your kids' clothes (and your husband's if he spills things on his clothing too LOL). If you notice something has gotten on a piece of clothing that day, when that person takes it off at the end of the day, immediately take it to the laundry room and go ahead and spray it with something. Even if you are not doing laundry that second, just go ahead and spray it and set it on top of the washer, so you will see it and remember to check on it after it has been sitting. Clothes are too expensive to let them get stained because you forgot to pretreat something. Also, never put something in the dryer if the stain did not come all the way out. Lay it on top of the dryer and treat the stain again and throw it in with another load. Once you dry an item that has a stain, it is so much harder to get the stain out.

Cleaning: Sweep/mop kitchen every day. This does not take much time, but really is so necessary with kids. Sweep/mop other floors once a week or twice if needed. Vacuum once a week or twice if needed. Clean kitchen countertops every night after dinner or every morning after breakfast. Vacuum stairs once a week if you have stairs (stairs really do get SO dirty!). Clean all mirrors and storm doors once a week. Dust biweekly. Clean bathrooms once a week.
This really is so doable if you get yourself on some sort of a system (certain days you do certain things).

Kids: Make children pick up after themselves! This is so important for multiple reasons. For starters, it teaches personal responsibility and also teaches them to be clean and tidy and do their part. Secondly, it takes a load off of you and is one less thing you have to worry about.

Take it from me, you WILL feel better and more relaxed when your house is clean. It takes a load off you as a mother and wife knowing your home is clean and taken care of. Your husband will appreciate coming home to a nice, clean house and I honestly think kids behave better in a clean, organized environment than they tend to do in a messy environment.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed at the thought of all you have to do, but try not to. Keep yourself accountable and tell yourself these things need to get done and they will! You can be a great mom and keep your home clean as well. I hate that our generation has been told otherwise, but trust me, not only can it be done, it is very easy to stick to a routine that allows it to get done. :)

Back to Basics

We are in Texas visiting my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. We are staying with my Papa and I am so happy we are and he does not have to be alone during the holidays, as this is the first holiday he has not had my Mam-ma here with him. It has been a hard holiday for everyone, as she truly was the matriarch of our family, but I know that she would want us to carry on and enjoy our time together with one another and not be sad.

That is exactly what we have all tried to do and Thanksgiving, yesterday, was a success. We had an enormous smorgasbord of food that would have made her so proud. She truly loved the holidays! I made several of her signature dishes, one of which (the most famous and well loved) was her banana pudding! I have made this with her multiple times throughout the years, but this was the first time I was to ever tackle it by myself. While all the other dishes I was making of her's I was not the slightest bit worried about, as I have made them multiple times by myself before for other occasions I have cooked for, I was very nervous about this dish! I was mostly nervous because everyone looks forward to this above everything else every holiday and she has most definitely set the bar very high! My Papa came in and helped me make it, as he is a pro himself since he has helped her make it all these years, and it truly turned out delicious! I was so relieved and glad I could keep it in the family! This recipe was my Mam-ma's mother's recipe, so it has been in our family since the turn of the century.

Some pictures of our spread...

~~~~~

While we have been here, we have had no obligations really. We have not had to worry about work, chores, things to do, or anything really. We have just been enjoying spending time with Papa and my other family and each other. It has been so nice to just enjoy each other in the evening and not have all these things we have to do or things to get ready for, but rather just be able to relax and relish in the moment. We have played with the kids so much, heard their never-ending laughter and actually been able to really enjoy it without thinking about what is next on the agenda. We have been able to shower and get ready without rushing. We have been able to just sit and talk for a seemingly endless amount of time. Even with helping Papa clean his house before Thanksgiving and me cooking multiple dishes, it still felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of us in terms of our to do list. It really has just been so nice!

It makes me wonder how much we all take for granted on any given day throughout the midst of the daily grind. While there will always be obligations and commitments that we have, it really is so important to stop and make time for the things that really matter.

I think part of slowing down is also getting back to the basics. We as stay at home moms should be caring for our children most importantly and then secondly caring for our home. I cannot help but notice that this generation is sorely misguided on what is expected of stay at home moms. So many young moms think that it is "old fashioned" to cook every night, keep your house clean and tidy, and still be involved with your kids. It really is not… We should not be worried about how we can squeeze naps in every day before we even meet these basic needs that women before us for centuries have been fulfilling just fine.

Hear me out: I am not saying it is wrong to take a nap when your children are napping. I for one, being 32 weeks pregnant, can largely relate to that feeling of just pure exhaustion and wanting to just go lie down. I think if time is managed properly throughout the first part of the day, then you will likely have already performed most or all of your obligations and can guilt-free lie down and take a nap while your children nap. It is when the mornings are not productive and then the afternoons are not either, on a consistent every day basis, that I think a problem develops.

Tune in to my next blog post that will give an overview of what my day looks like (what works for me) and a little schedule/method to stick to for cleaning and laundry that makes it so much more doable and so much less overwhelming. We as moms have a lot to do and a lot of responsibilities that often even our husbands do not realize that we have to do; it shouldn't be harder for us, when there is an easier, less stressful way! :)