A Life Changing Weekend // Trip to PA to visit Andy & Leigh

Ever since our cousins, Andy & Leigh, and their two sweet girls, Norah and Elyse, moved away, we have missed them dearly. We are so happy for them and what they are doing in The Lord's name up in PA at YWAM, but we miss them nonetheless. We went up to visit them this past weekend and I also took a doula/childbirth educator course intensive through goMidwife and got certified while I was there also (more on that in another blog post). While we had been dying to see them and wanted an excuse to come visit, the "excuse" that arose was this doula class! I had been wanting to become a doula for quite some time and when Leigh told me about this opportunity, I was thrilled! I could go up there, take this course, spend time with them, see their church, meet their newest sweet baby Taylor, etc. What a great opportunity! Seriously, how could things work out any more perfectly?

Initially, Zach was not going to come. He was going to stay home with Mason and go fishing. I was going to take Savannah and Gavin and my good friend, Michelle, was going to come with me too and also take the doula course. I started to think that this may be the last time Zach would be able to see his cousin, Andy, for a long time, and that he really should come with us too. I explained this to him and also that I wanted Mason to see Elyse, etc. He didn't immediately say okay and he wanted to come, but I knew he likely was going to end up coming and that made me happy. I did really want him to see his cousin and I also really wanted him to see where they live and go to church. Although seemingly coincidentally, it definitely was not, Leigh called me shortly after I talked to Zach about how he should come and said the same thing! I told her I would get him to come and I wanted him to come too. I went to Zach again and relayed Leigh and my conversation to him. He agreed that he should go.

So on Friday, Zach, the kids, Michelle, and I all started our trip to Harrisburg, PA. It was a pretty easy drive. It was just shy of 7 hours, which after many 15 hour drives to Texas, this was a breeze!
When we got there, we had to immediately drop Zach off at the church, Life Center Ministries, which is directly across from Andy & Leigh's house, because Zach was going to play in the band with Andy from 7-9pm for the 24 house of prayer. We dropped him off and went to the house to see Leigh & the kids. After eating a quick dinner and sweetly reuniting, we all drove over to the church together to worship and watch the guys play.

I was in awe and so moved at the 24 hour house of prayer. The presence of The Holy Spirit was so incredibly tangible in that room.

I looked up at my husband playing drums with the band and for the first time ever, he too looked moved while he was playing. He just had that look on his face like he was just taking it all in. I sat in a blissful state watching my kids dance around so sweetly with their cousins to the music and also watched a beautiful young girl dancing freely with her wrap to the music. It was so amazing to watch her be moved by the Spirit in that way and not care at all what anyone thought of her doing so.

When Zach and Andy's two hour segment was done and they and the rest of the band walked off, Leigh, Michelle, and I walked over to meet them. Zach just looked at me and said, "that was amazing!" I whole heartedly agreed. I told him I had never seen him appear so moved while he was playing. He said, "that's because I haven't. Those people were truly worshipping and they were worshipping in a way I have never experienced." I just smiled and felt immense joy. This was what I had been waiting for.

A little over a year ago, I encountered the presence of The Holy Spirit for the first time. I was in a dark place after my Mam-ma died and while in her church, I was surrounded by The Holy Spirit and His love. I realized right then and there that while I believed in God and knew more about God and the Bible than most people, I had strictly head knowledge and not heart knowledge. I had lived my entire life without encountering His Spirit, His Holy Spirit. My life was forever changed. (I will have to do a separate post with the story in its entirety later.) All this time though, I have been waiting for my husband to experience this as well. It was very evident to me that he was in the same place now that I had been in up until August 2013. He too believed in God and grew up learning about Him, but he did not know The Holy Spirit and that was very evident to me as his wife. I gently tried to talk to him about it several times and more importantly, I prayed for him constantly. I knew that it was going to take more than me gently bringing the issue up to him; it was going to take something supernatural.

All day Saturday, I was in my doula class with Michelle and Zach was with Andy & Leigh and all the kids. He worked on their heater some. They all picked me and Michelle up for lunch and I nursed Gavin during that time also. I tell you all this to point out how low key the weekend was for Zach. He picked Michelle and me up at 5 and we all went back to the house and ate dinner. After dinner, Zach made his famous cider that Leigh had requested he make long before we even actually made our way driving to PA. After putting the older kids to bed. we all sat down in the living room and talked while Leigh and I nursed our babies. They told us some amazing supernatural stories of things they experienced The Holy Spirit do while they were overseas in Nepal. We thoroughly enjoyed hearing all these stories and were in awe of what they had been fortunate enough to witness The Holy Spirit do. We decided to watch the movie The Holy Ghost together. Zach had to go outside and get his computer charger (we were watching it on the computer) and what happened next, coupled with the seemingly small, yet so supernatural, events that happened prior, changed Zach, my husband, forever. 

I am going to paste his story that he wrote to Andy after we got home below, because I think it's important for my readers to read it from his point of view. I have edited and removed a few personal details of the message that were too personal and did not need to be shared. Everything else is exactly as he wrote it though.

I'm reading the book "The Forgotten God." Actually I'm listening to the audio book ($8 on audible) I am just blown away by how much I have missed out on all of my life! I have never felt the power of the Holy Spirit until this weekend. I have always thought it was impossible to walk in righteousness. I would pray and read my Bible but there was never a passion and fullness to my walk with God. I would inevitable just stop reading my Bible and I would stop praying altogether for months at a time because everything just seemed so pointless! I talked about my problems to a few people but none ever revealed the power of the Holy Spirit to me. I was told that I didn't understand the power of the Cross and that I didn't understand the love of God, which was partly true. But... The problem was that I have never understood the power of the Holy Spirit. I have only been taught that the Holy Spirit is like a conscience that tells us what we should and shouldn't do. I have always thought that if that is all that God gave us as a parting gift.... well.... It was LAME.

Over the past couple of months God has really been preparing me for this weekend. I have had a feeling that there was something more that I just didn’t understand. Brittani has been hounding me about my lack of passion about life, and my disinterest in God. It got me thinking more and more about God and trying to figure out what I was missing. I spent hours just trying to figure out what the missing piece was. I wasn't supposed to go with Britt this last weekend. I was going to go fishing with Mason all weekend. Brittani called me at work one day and told me that she thought I needed to go with her.... I wasn't happy. I told her I would think about it even though I knew in my heart that I needed to go. Then she said Leigh called and suggested that I should go too. I knew there was no getting out of it then! lol

In the days leading up to the trip I could feel God preparing me for something, but I didn't know what it was. I could just tell that It was going to be life changing. I don't know how I knew it, I could just feel it in my heart.

The night we played at the prayer meeting I was hesitant to chime in and play 1) because I was a little nervous and 2) I was just in awe of those ladies heartfelt worship. I could just see that they were communicating with their God. That was so different than what I am used to.

It all came together during our evening talks. God was using you to reveal the missing piece I have spent my life up to this point neglecting to see. I saw the true gift that God left behind for believers. It is so much more than a simple good angel on my shoulder telling me what’s right. There is true power in the Holy Spirit! I mean there is an overwhelming, life altering, and healing power in the Holy Spirit! It all makes perfect sense now!

(Background)
I have allowed the Devil to use some family drama as a tool to destroy me. I have never felt so much hate and bitterness. That hate and bitterness became my religion. I woke up with it and spent time with it all throughout the day. I even went to bed thinking about it. The devil had systematically removed every good thing in my life and replaced with so many evil things to the point that I sincerely didn’t think I could ever recover. I knew that evil was targeting me because every time I would start to climb out of my pit of sin he would hurl so much stuff at me that I would lose heart and fall back into the pit.

(Back to the story)

Right before we watched the movie “Holy Ghost” I was just floored. I could finally see the way that God intended my life to be lived. I could see how all of my hopelessness and bitterness could be remedied by living in the Spirit. It was so simple!

You asked me to go grab my computer cord out of the car. As I was walking to the door to go get my charger I was thanking God for revealing to me a completely new understanding of the world. I opened the door of your house and stepped outside. Every hair on my body stood on end. I could literally FEEL evil all around me. I stopped for a second and got enough balls to walk to the car. On the way to the car I could see a dark face out of the corner of my eye just floating with no body along side me. I got to the car and grabbed the charge and closed my eyes and the words you spoke minutes before came to my mind “We don’t focus on the darkness, we focus on the light.” I walked back to the house and I could still see that dark face following beside me. I kept saying, “we focus on the light, we focus on the light” over in my head. I opened the door and literally jumped in the house! The hairs on my body immediately relaxed! The powers of evil are useless against a house full of the Holy Spirit. I became SO acutely aware of the battle that we are fighting in.

Ephesians 6:12 “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

I don’t know if you could tell, but after I came in to bring you the charger I was absolutely wigged out. I have never been so freaked out in my life. The chains of the devil had been broken, I was free, and the devil was pissed. It took me about 10 minutes to calm down enough to actually be excited. The knowledge of the Holy Spirit changed my life and the futures of my children., and that pissed off hell. I don’t think this is the last time satan will be pissed at me.

The last couple of days I have felt so filled with the Holy Spirit. In the past My experiences with God felt very fleeting, but This is different. There is no way to go back after you have seen and felt the Holy Spirits power.

 I was watching Zach intently while we were talking and visiting with Andy & Leigh and I was filled with such joy because of what I saw. I knew he was filled with The Holy Spirit and I knew his heart and life were changing. When I heard about what happened when he went outside to get the charger, I was further reminded myself of how powerful The Holy Spirit is. For the forces of hell to feel threatened in such a way that they are going to physically send a demon on a failed attempt to attack him, the power of The Holy Ghost IS real. It is so eery and real to me that the house with all of us in it was off limits to hell and its demons. They could not enter because the Spirit was there and also dwelt within each of us inside. However, that did not stop it from lurking outside just waiting for Zach to come outside fragile and vulnerable, young in the sense of his relationship with The Holy Ghost. They were too late, however, and powerless against the power of The Holy Spirit that had recently taken residence inside of my husband. This attempted attack just made him further realize the true power of The Holy Spirit.

We went to church the next morning with Andy & Leigh and were again, just floored by the overwhelming, very tangible presence of The Holy Spirit in that place. Worship there was not a show, it was not about talents, it was not about anything but God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. They were worshipping in such a way that it was as if no one was in the room- just each person and their God. We worshipped God together in a way like never before that morning. We were both, along with so many others, absolutely consumed by The Holy Spirit.

At one point while we were worshipping, the young lady leading said, "lift your hands high up to the heavens and feel the power of The Holy Spirit run through you from your arms all the way through you." I described it later to Zach as an eery tingling feeling all the way from my fingertips that then traveled throughout my entire body. Zach described it as his whole body being on fire. A few seconds later that same lady said, "Do you feel that? That is the power of The Holy Spirit running through you." You may be wondering why the presence of The Holy Spirit was felt so heavily here and not in many other churches? The Holy Spirit was invited there, He was welcome there, He was desired there, He was BELIEVED in there. When church first began and the worship first started, that same lady said, "we invite The Holy Spirit into this place. We invite him to flood this entire place and consume each and every one of us." Literally, like clockwork, it was like a wave of energy ran through the building. That energy was The Holy Spirit Himself.

I am overwhelmed while writing this now by the power of The Holy Spirit and can literally feel Him running throughout my entire body. I know He is going to use this to bless someone or many, change someone's life or multiple people's lives, just as our's have been changed.

If you have never encountered the love of The Holy Spirit and His presence, ask yourself why? Are you somewhere that the Spirit is not welcome, is not invited, is not really even believed in or taken seriously? Sure you and those around you may "believe" that the Spirit exists, but like my husband, do you not really understand what The Holy Spirit is? I know we have been in MANY churches that the Spirit simply is NOT there. There are various reasons the Spirit may not be present in a church. Again, He may not really be welcome there, He may not have been invited into there, He may not be really sought out or desired by those there, etc. You may be thinking, The Holy Spirit is God, He can do anything; He does not have to actually be invited. You are right; He CAN do anything, but why would he want to come into a place where He is not invited or desired? Where the congregation thinks they do not need Him and that they are doing just fine the way things are? Why do you think when people go overseas they experience so many supernatural things that can ONLY be explained by the power of The Holy Spirit, but SO many people never experience those kinds of things over here in The West? Because those people over there are DESPERATE for Him! They want Him! They yearn for Him! We in the West, however, are so worried about people liking us and liking our church, being hip, being politically correct, etc. and we are not craving the power of The Holy Spirit in our lives! James 2:19 says, "Thou believest that there is one God; Thou doest well: The devils also believe, and tremble." Believing is not all there is! The demons believe and they TREMBLE at His name!! That is more than can be said for a lot of "Christians".

Once you truly encounter The Holy Spirit, you will know, because you will never ever be the same. When The Spirit consumes you, there is no going back. You just cannot go back to stagnation when you know that kind of power and love.

"Hope fills my soul 
The love that You've shown
Bring refreshing like the rain
Peace floods my heart
I've known nothing apart
Apart from Your goodness, God

You are glorious
You are holy, holy
The heavens shout
You are worthy, worthy

Your love frees my soul
And fear has no hold
For You have broken the chains
Now joy fills my life
Your Spirit, Your Light
I'm undone by the kindness of Christ

You are glorious
You are holy, holy
The heavens shout
You are worthy, worthy
My soul cries out
You are holy, holy
The nations will shout
You are worthy, worthy

At the sound of our praise
The Heavens will shake 
And the earth will move"

"Glorious"-Jesus Culture

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkwE7SGZNV4

A New Beginning//Change in Plans

My family and I have been containing some very exciting and large news for a few weeks: we are moving back to Texas. The kids and I will be moving late January with Zach's help and then Zach will be moving down with the rest of our things the second week of February. Zach is starting his own business, to which I will have another post about very soon!

I know many saw my post about delaying our move to Texas because we were going to first attend DTS in Pennsylvania. Well, not long after making the announcement of moving to PA first and sending out our mission letters, we felt God essentially telling us, "thank you for being willing, but that is not what I have in store for you."

Zach and I both for a few days, felt a large peace about not going to PA, but rather going straight to Texas as we had originally planned. We did not know the other one was feeling this peace simultaneously. We ended up discussing it and realizing God had indeed spoken to us both at the same time a couple days before we went to Texas for Christmas. We reverted back to a conversation I had had with the pastor's wife at the church we had visited a couple times with some friends of our's, Winston Salem First Assembly of God. She had said that sometimes God is just testing your faith and He wants a yes from you, but then essentially says, "never mind, thanks anyways." Zach and I both agreed that we both spiritually grew SO much in just a few short weeks from saying yes to God and taking this huge leap of faith, making the announcement and dealing with everyone thinking we were crazy, etc. We faced more spiritual warfare than we had ever faced and consequently learned just how much authority Jesus gave us over the dark forces and evil in this world when He shed his blood on the cross for us and overcame the grave. We literally at times had to command evil to flee our home and situations and realized how crazy the battle in the spiritual realm becomes when a child of God says, "yes, I will follow You wherever You lead me and do whatever You ask of me." We definitely see why saying, "yes" to Him, even if He ended up sending us elsewhere, was all part of His integral plan.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. -Ephesians 6:12

That night after we first talked about this revelation He shared with us both, I began praying and asking Him to give me something more tangible that I could have when we told everyone about the change in our plans. Moments after praying, I began doing my devotions. That day's was about agreeing to go places you never actually go or that God never actually takes you to. It went on to talk about how that mere agreement can sometimes be His plan, even if He doesn't end up taking you there. It also referenced how sometimes there's more power in being than in doing. I was in complete awe. I asked God for something I could have as part of our story when we told people and immediately He responded with an unmistakable sign.

I called my aunt that night and talked to her about everything. She was the only person we had yet spoken to about this new revelation. She told me the story of Abraham and Isaac and how sometimes God wants to see you're willing, but that's just it.

Lastly, when we were in Texas, one night I asked God to give me a vision, one last sign I could have from Him when we told our story. I have been having a few visions from The Lord, all related to different things. However, none had I ever asked Him for, but rather were just visions He chose to give me. This was the first time I had ever directly asked Him for such a thing, but knew that He would respond in some way. Seconds after asking, He gave me a vision of the Texas star, that is also part of Zach's logo for his business, Dallas Aeration. Again, I was in complete awe.

I debated on sharing that last detail, as to date, I've only discussed my visions with just a couple people. However, I felt The Holy Spirit leading me to share and I know because of that, maybe that will be a blessing to one of my readers. I would love to share with anyone who wants to be shared with more about signs and wonders that I've personally firsthand experienced from Him! He is so good and there is a whole exciting element to the spiritual realm that many people never experience because they inadvertently put up walls blocking their vision to such things. Oh how sweet and amazing it is once you see!

One thing I do know, whereas I was blind, now I see! -John 9:25b

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, -Psalm 103:2-4

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: -Matthew 7:7

Throughout all of this, we also realized that there are a ton of YWAM bases in Texas, specifically one in Dallas and another brand new one in Wylie, which is the town my parents live in and one town over (a ten minute drive) from where we will be living. We are hoping to get involved locally with one of these locations.

I am so ecstatic that The Lord is leading us back to Texas. Since I left Texas in 2010, my heart has ached to be back in it. Texas is my home and I have missed it very dearly. I have a great love for Texas, all it is, and all it stands for, but more importantly, I have an immeasurable love for all of my wonderful family that I left behind in Texas when I left. From my grandparents, to my parents, to all of my aunts and uncles, to all of my many cousins and their children, to my siblings, and all my other family, I left a huge piece of my heart behind when I left. I could not be more ecstatic to come back to them all with my own family I have taken part in creating as well. 

We will be moving back to the Dallas area, where I was born and raised. Savannah will be resuming the second semester of kindergarten at her new school in Texas and Mason is on the waiting list to resume his second semester of preschool there as well, where my little brothers, Nick and Zachary went to when they were young. He will for sure be starting there in the fall, even if he does not move up on the wait list for spring, and for that assurance I am thankful. He just loves school! Gavin was one on Christmas Day and will be home with Mommy full time and I wouldn't have it any other way! 

We will be getting to go to church IN PERSON, to my grandparents' church that we have been watching online for the past few months. This makes me so happy and I am delighted to be a part of their church family. It is truly filled with people who genuinely love each other with a genuine Christlike love. The warmth felt when you walk in that church is overwhelming and I know that is precisely where my family needs to be! We have felt God guiding us towards that church for quite some time and that is the most prominent part in why we are moving to Texas. Upon making this church our church home (via online viewing), we have heard God's voice so clearly and truly felt His will for our lives. The comfort that comes from hearing his voice and knowing His will is so overwhelming, in the best possible way. I am filled with gratitude and continually in awe of His abounding love, mercy, and grace.

We are so very excited for the gift of moving back, but more importantly, the gift of new beginnings! We have felt God's hand in our plans and are overwhelmed by His love and blessings on our lives.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares The Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Memoirs of my Mother

"...and on that morning, gone was any trace of you."

Being a mother is the single most joyful thing about my life. It would stand to reason that most mothers whether alike or not in typical manners of life would agree whole heartedly regarding this. Yes, despite differing interests or varying beliefs, all kinds of mothers come together and unite unanimously regarding the great love they possess for their children. The fashionista, the granola, the simple, the complex, the working, the homemaker, the single, and the married mothers do not seem so different after all when you cast your eyes upon them loving their children. Sure, they may all parent very differently and have very different children at that, but there's a consistent love present with all. At least, that is what we tell ourselves as mothers.

Have we ever considered that there are mothers who although they may love their children, it is painstakingly arguable that it is not their greatest joy or even close? Perhaps, it's even a chore to these mothers. How can loving a child not come naturally and fiercely?

There's many kinds of hurt shared with loved ones or even acquaintances every day in this world. Burdens are eased upon sharing them with another. That is, most burdens anyways.

Losing one's mother not to death or even to another, but to the dark depths of the world, contains a unique type of hurt that is felt more heavily when spoken about instead of the typical lessening effect gained by most sharing of burdens. Speaking of it is a further reminder of the unthinkable and the uncomprehending truth that consumes the burden itself. Avoiding the unspoken is essential to the well being of the beholder of such a burden, or so it seems.

The reality is that with such few people capable of empathizing with such a hurt and devastation, it is better left unsaid than shared, because sharing does little without empathy of some sort.

"Humans aren't as good as we should be in our capacity to empathize with feelings and thoughts of others, be they humans or other animals on Earth. So maybe part of our formal education should be training in empathy. Imagine how different the world would be if, in fact, that were 'reading, writing, arithmetic, empathy.'" -Neil deGrasse Tyson

The most vivid memory I have is also my most painful one. That memory is the one of walking in my house on Christmas Day to discover my mother had seemingly vanished. Throughout the years, I have played this memory over and over in my head, each time the outcome is ever unchanging. My mother was still gone and again, for no apparent fathomable reason. This is even more bold and clear to me now that I am a mother myself. When is there ever an adequate reason to leave one's children?

My mother was so beautiful. I remember as a child admiring her beauty, yet being slightly intimidated by her insolent nature at times. My mother was homecoming queen her senior year of high school and on the court all the years prior. She had sweet, loving, supportive, and most importantly, Godly, parents and three older siblings. She dated and married her high school sweetheart, although she was on her second marriage to another wonderful and respectable man when she left. She had three beautiful, small children that adored her. She had a full time nanny that also cleaned her home. Her husband's living allowed her to live a comfortable life. Reading all of this on paper, what reason can one conclude and deem as an acceptable one to abandon a family?

Following the immediate one month, real life nightmare of not knowing where my mother was, I finally learned that she had, in fact, been found and had since been put in a rehabilitation facility, but had requested a divorce. This divorce was not just from her husband, but from her children as well, as she was not coming back home and they were not going to her either. Despite the unimaginable emotional pain this caused, it was just as well, because the life she was going to lead was not fit for the innocence of a child. Unfortunately, a clean break was simply not in her cards and her precious children were going to inevitably be raked through the stench that became her life for a short time. This short time, no matter the length, was as impressionable as a lifetime and the things seen could never be forgotten.

I could fill pages upon pages with countless daunting stories that were our life for a few short years after my mother first left and we were still visiting her every other weekend. From allowing her eight year old and nearly six year old to watch gruesome rated R movies, like Copycat and The General's Daughter, and not concerned in the slightest of the nightmares that followed, because she could not be awakened out of her drunken slumber, to letting these same two children along with the three year old play out in the yard with violent Pitt Bulls who would later attack a family member and send that member to the hospital with a substantial wound to the femur, her lack of mothering knew no bounds. Lest one may think the list of transgressions ceases there, perhaps a mention of the occurrence that the previously mentioned three year old at the time of being just shy of five was found by the two older children in the wee hours of the morning wandering a block over from the house, while their mother was again, passed out cold with no hope of being awakened. This area was also the same area where Amber (think "Amber Alert") was kidnapped from years before. It is so clear to me in my adulthood and motherhood that angels were protecting us while at my mother's various homes during these times, and for that I am indescribably thankful to my Lord and Savior. Only He, and He alone, was capable of protecting myself and my two small siblings from such dark dangers and lack of care.

To be clear, I had a wonderful, loving father and stepmom that I went home to and lived with full time while my siblings also had a wonderful, loving father and stepmom they went home to and lived with full time as well. Our lives were seemingly great and unscathed all but twenty six weekends out of the year. We kept the darkness that was our lives on these weekends to ourselves for quite some time, out of fear for being kept away from our mother for good. When we did finally share pieces of the truth, we were, indeed, kept away. It was all just as well, for the mother we were holding onto, was not our mother at all.

That does not make the pain any less painful though, does it? The heart yearns for what is natural and normal.

"They say that abandonment is a wound that never heals. I say only that an abandoned child never forgets." -Mario Balotelli

The last time we would ever stay with our mother was a Mother's Day when I was just eleven, my sister was eight, and my brother was five. My mother had drank so much the night before that even at three o'clock the next afternoon, we still could not wake her. We had awakened that morning and fixed her toast with grape jelly and a glass of orange juice. Upon bringing it to her bedside, we wondered if she was dead. Her naked body lay lifeless and in such a deep, drunken slumber that it was unclear if she even breathed in such a state. We tried multiple times between the hours of ten in the morning and three o'clock in the afternoon to shake her violently in an attempt to get her to rise. After no luck and no movement, we finally called my father. My stepfather, my sibling's father, came to pick us up around four that afternoon. She still had not awakened. She called him that evening around eight, upon just rising and realizing her children were gone. She did not call in a panic, but rather with a calm assumption that we must have been picked up by one of our dad's.

This was yet a further reminder that our mother possessed little to no maternal instinct and her children were simply not her concern.

My mother was still allowed to come visit us during the day on weekends if she chose to do so. There were countless Saturdays that I waited by the front door for hours upon hours for her to come pick me up, after we had previously made plans for her to take me to the park or to the mall. More times than not, she did not show and I would get a call from her days later with an elaborate lie as to why she never showed or even called to cancel. She would easily go six months to a year without calling me just to talk or check in. Over time, I grew more and more weary of waiting and began to realize my mother had been gone, not just in the literal sense, for quite some time and was never coming back.

"...and you were just gone and gone, gone and gone..."

As a child, I loved my mother dearly. I still do possess an honest, childlike love for her, even as an adult that barely knows her. Those few vivid memories I have with her before her departure cling loyally deep in my mind and I still can picture that beautiful mother that I was filled with admiration for, while also slightly unnerved when I was around her. I remember that despite this love I have always had for her though, there was always a disconnect there, however. When I was scared in the middle of the night, she never welcomed me into her bed or even lied down beside me and soothed me back to sleep. She never put much care into how I looked for school. Sure she bought me nice clothes, but actually taking the time to lay an outfit out for me in the mornings was not an activity she could be bothered with. I remember wearing socks with sandals to school many days in the winter because I was dressing myself for school with no approval from her. This disconnect leaves me stricken and keeps me from yearning too much to talk to her today. Yes, contrary to her lack of mothering for so many years, she does indeed call quite frequently in this present time now married to her fourth husband. I find myself pressing the decline button all too often and while some may deem my action harsh, I deem it all too proper. What does one say as a daughter to a mother she barely knows? To a mother that knows little about her daughter or her grandchildren? To a mother that never really wanted to be a mother?

"...your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave."

One may find themselves wondering if my mother has ever apologized, asked for forgiveness, sought out a newfound relationship with her children, or even changed? Regrettably, my mother has done none of these things sincerely. There have been a few insincere apologies uttered over the years, but they always are chased down with reasons, or excuses rather, of why she did the things she did. This is to no surprise to anyone who knows her however, as my mother was never one to admit she was wrong or apologize to anyone very sincerely.

There are times I find myself wondering what things would have been like if my mother had stayed, if my mother had still left, but been a more active and respectable part of our lives, or if she had made amends later in life, truly changed, and therefore been an active part of our lives later on. I find myself not wishing too much that things had been any differently. Of course, I wish I could spare myself the ever clinging hurt and heartache of my mother leaving and of her absence from my life. I wish the small child I once was never had to endure such things and did not have to grow up quite so quickly. I find that those hardships have indeed shaped who I am today. I find I am still the same protective big sister over my siblings now as I was back then when their lives literally in some moments depended on me. I find I am very aware of my flaws as a mother because I am constantly striving to be a great one because the memory of my not great one still haunts me.

I wish my mother the best and would always love to see her recover from the alcoholism that plagues her and has defined her. I pray for my mother's soul as although contrary to what she claims, there is no visible evidence that Jesus Christ is Lord of her life. I forgive my mother for all she has done and love her undeniably. Even so, I find there is little place for her in my life today.

Despite the hardening of her life and her body, I still find my mother beautiful. Perhaps, I see years back to the woman she once was. I see the woman that gave me life and that for a time, even so fleeting, showed me love. I see beauty, even if that beauty has ceased to exist in many's eyes or even all together. I see my mother or at least where she once inhabited.

"To be a good father and mother requires that the parents defer many of their own needs and desires in favor of the needs of their children. As a consequence of this sacrifice, conscientious parents develop a nobility of character and learn to put into practice the selfless truths taught by the Savior Himself." -James E. Faust

Many frequently comment while looking upon me loving on and mothering my children, how great of a mother they deem me to be. This is one of the highest compliments one could give me and I take them to heart so gratefully and treasure them so. Perhaps, subconsciously I feel the need to love on my children not only the amount a typical mother would love on her children, but also to make up for the amount of love my siblings and I did not receive from our mother. Perhaps, this is not, in fact, the case. All I know is nothing has ever felt more natural to me than loving on my children. Whether I am rocking them, snuggling up with them in my bed at night, carrying them around, playing with them, or just looking upon them doing their own daily activities, they bring me such joy and fill my heart with an indescribable warmth. They are my greatest joy and light and I thank God for blessing me with them each and every day. I thank God for the great blessing of being a mother.

"...all you had to do was stay..."

Excerpts from Taylor Swift 1989